A thinning rope

Walther

Mitglied
A thinning rope


Breaking myself a path to foreign ground
I forced passage through hills of woven green.
No walking running lifeform could be seen.
The leaves and winds produced no single sound.

The target which I searched so brave and keen
Was carried forward while I marched around.
My inner soul felt hollow like a howling hound.
To not arrive I've left the place I've been.

What was the measure of success and wealth?
What thriving reason gave to fight and hope?
All happiness so hidden seemed by stealth.

Was there a means to ever really cope?
The last that slipped away was strength and health
And left as string to life a thinning rope.
 

MDSpinoza

Mitglied
A thinning rope


Breaking [red]myself[/red] a path to foreign ground
"myself" - wrong application

I forced [blue]a[/blue] passage through hills of woven green.

No footprint nor a lifeform could be seen.
No life form in "interwoven green"?

The leaves and winds produced [red]no single [/red]sound.
better: [blue]not one sound[/blue]




The [red]target[/red] which I searched so brave and keen
better:[blue] goal[/blue]
Was carried forward [red]when[/red] I marched around.
better: Was gaining distance [blue]while[/blue] I was marching around

My inner soul felt hollow like a howling hound.

To not arrive I've left the place I've been.
clumsy phrase.




What was the measure of success and wealth?

What thriving reason gave to fight and hope?
Discombobulation: "Thriving" refers to "reason".

All happiness so hidden seemed by stealth.
"stealth" i an adjective, to what does it refer?




Was there a means to ever really cope?
cope with what? This is a transitive verb.

The last that slipped away was strength and health

And left as string to life a thinning rope.
 

Walther

Mitglied
Breaking myself a path to foreign ground
"myself" - wrong application

[red]Sorry, this is a correct application and part of lyrical freedom, too.[/red]

I forced a passage through hills of woven green.

[red]The "a" has been left out to keep the rhyrthm.[/red]

No footprint nor a lifeform could be seen.
No life form in "interwoven green"?

[red]OK, this is a good point. Let's change it to:
No walking breathing lifeform to be seen.[/red]
The leaves and winds produced no single sound.
better: not one sound

[red]No, not better, much worse. Again metrum reasons.[/red]



The target which I searched so brave and keen
better: goal

[red]This is strange. You seem to think that I did not take all my English classes. Again: Rhythmic verse melody.[/red]

Was carried forward when I marched around.
better: Was gaining distance while I was marching around

[red]OK, "while" is better, but "when" can still be used.[/red]

My inner soul felt hollow like a howling hound.

To not arrive I've left the place I've been.
clumsy phrase.

[red]This phrase was used as a breaking point and thus is deliberately "clumsy".[/red]



What was the measure of success and wealth?

What thriving reason gave to fight and hope?
Discombobulation: "Thriving" refers to "reason".

[red]Never underestimate the person you are criticizing. Again: rhythm reasons. Turn around the wording in the middle - and the verse does make the sense you did not figure out.[/red]

All happiness so hidden seemed by stealth.
"stealth" i an adjective, to what does it refer?

[red]The right spelling of the incriminated adjective, sorry, is "stealthy".[/red]

Was there a means to ever really cope?
cope with what? This is a transitive verb.

[red]True. Still it is placed right and stays as it is.[/red]

The last that slipped away was strength and health

And left as string to life a thinning rope.
 



 
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