bad boy

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ENachtigall

Mitglied
bad boy left me suddenly, seasick

& a white elephant
upon my wing
feels blue on monday

strange & the odour
of some last night´s whore
crawls upon another lover´s
hip, I smell wedding day

seven words unspoken
in a box of cedar
shrinking, shaken, taken
fed to the elephant
white as my shoulder in winter

I might feed him snow, bad
boy, you made me feel - good


© elke nachtigall/2011


(white elephants sometimes refuse german poems )
 

ENachtigall

Mitglied
bad boy left me suddenly, seasick

& a white elephant
upon my wing
feels blue on monday

strange & the odour
of some last night´s whore
crawls upon another lover´s
hip, I smell wedding day

seven words unspoken
in a box of cedar
shrinking, shaken, taken
fed to the elephant
white as my shoulder in winter

I might feed him snow, bad
boy, you made me feel - so good


© elke nachtigall/2011


(white elephants sometimes refuse german poems )
 
that's a nice one. ;-)

All in all I do like it I'm getting a bit lost in the jungle of pronouns: "he" or "you", especially here:

I might feed him snow, bad
boy, you made me feel - so good


somehow, regardless of a possible plot, I find: "I might feed you
more pleasing.

Wondering also somewhat about the usage of the ampersand in the first two stanzas.
I'm sure you'll enlighten me. ;-)
Hey and why don't you post it on an English forum?

cheers
Serge
 

ENachtigall

Mitglied
Hallo serge,

ich arbeite daran weiter. Deine Kritikpunkte sind berechtigt und finden Eingang in ein Neues; ich hoffe, es wird!

Hab Dank für Deine Zeit des Lesens und Übergrübelns.

LG Elke
 

ENachtigall

Mitglied
bad boy


left me suddenly
seasick and a white elephant
upon my wing

watches balloon thoughts
burst inside my head
right is the side

of the unpredictable
pain crashes strange
and the odour of demons

like cocks and flowers
birds and beaks
cut their song knifes

and poison perfums
into defenceless
ears and my trunk

is a rudimentary souvenir
of this my nosy face
I bear my burden

and listen:
seven words unspoken
in a box of cedar

shrinking, shaken, taken
dedicated to the elephant
white as my shoulder in winter

I might feed you snow boy
you were bad enough
to make me feel good


© elke nachtigall/2011
 

ENachtigall

Mitglied
So gefällt mir der sound wesentlich besser. Inhaltlich einige Bilder umgestellt. Selbst wenn es grammatikalisch diskussionswürdig bleiben mag: ich mag´s so. Notwendige Veränderungen, die dem sound nicht schaden, würde ich aber anbringen wollen. (Ansonsten: Mutter, bleib bei deiner Sprache :)
 

ENachtigall

Mitglied
bad boy


left me suddenly
seasick and a white elephant
upon my wing

watches balloon thoughts
burst inside my head
right is the side

of the unpredictable
pain crashes strangely
and the odour of demons

like cocks and flowers
birds and beaks
cut song knifes

and poison perfumes
into defenceless
ears and my trunk

is a rudimentary souvenir
of this my nosy face
I bear my burden

and listen:
seven words unspoken
in a box of cedar

shrinking, shaken, taken
dedicated to the elephant
white as my shoulder in winter

I might feed you snow boy
you were bad enough
to make me feel good


© elke nachtigall/2011
 



 
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