Diese Seite verwendet Cookies. Wenn Sie das nicht akzeptieren, müssen Sie Cookies in Ihrem Browser verbieten oder diese Seite verlassen.    OK  
 leselupe.de
Werbung
 Meine Leselupe

Mitglieder:   5439
Themen:   92269
Momentan online:
460 Gäste und 14 Mitglieder
Username:
Passwort:
Registrieren
Passwort vergessen?


Leselupe.de > Fremdsprachiges und MundART (L)
A thinning rope
Eingestellt am 20. 03. 2006 23:08


Autor
Ein neues Thema veröffentlichen.     Antwort veröffentlichen.
Walther
Routinierter Autor
Registriert: Sep 2004

Werke: 1589
Kommentare: 9730
Die besten Werke
 
Email senden
Hier klicken, um Walther eine Online-Nachricht zu senden  Online-Nachricht
Profil

A thinning rope


Breaking myself a path to foreign ground
I forced passage through hills of woven green.
No walking running lifeform could be seen.
The leaves and winds produced no single sound.

The target which I searched so brave and keen
Was carried forward while I marched around.
My inner soul felt hollow like a howling hound.
To not arrive I've left the place I've been.

What was the measure of success and wealth?
What thriving reason gave to fight and hope?
All happiness so hidden seemed by stealth.

Was there a means to ever really cope?
The last that slipped away was strength and health
And left as string to life a thinning rope.
__________________
Walther
"Gelegenheit.Macht.Dichtung"

Bearbeiten/Löschen   ebook  Druckversion


MDSpinoza
Manchmal gelesener Autor
Registriert: Jul 2004

Werke: 197
Kommentare: 1253
Die besten Werke
 
Email senden
Hier klicken, um MDSpinoza eine Online-Nachricht zu senden  Online-Nachricht
Profil

A thinning rope


Breaking myself a path to foreign ground
"myself" - wrong application

I forced a passage through hills of woven green.

No footprint nor a lifeform could be seen.
No life form in "interwoven green"?

The leaves and winds produced no single sound.
better: not one sound




The target which I searched so brave and keen
better: goal
Was carried forward when I marched around.
better: Was gaining distance while I was marching around

My inner soul felt hollow like a howling hound.

To not arrive I've left the place I've been.
clumsy phrase.




What was the measure of success and wealth?

What thriving reason gave to fight and hope?
Discombobulation: "Thriving" refers to "reason".

All happiness so hidden seemed by stealth.
"stealth" i an adjective, to what does it refer?




Was there a means to ever really cope?
cope with what? This is a transitive verb.

The last that slipped away was strength and health

And left as string to life a thinning rope.


__________________
Lieber ein verführter Verbraucher als ein verbrauchter Verführer...

Bearbeiten/Löschen    


Walther
Routinierter Autor
Registriert: Sep 2004

Werke: 1589
Kommentare: 9730
Die besten Werke
 
Email senden
Hier klicken, um Walther eine Online-Nachricht zu senden  Online-Nachricht
Profil

Breaking myself a path to foreign ground
"myself" - wrong application

Sorry, this is a correct application and part of lyrical freedom, too.

I forced a passage through hills of woven green.

The "a" has been left out to keep the rhyrthm.

No footprint nor a lifeform could be seen.
No life form in "interwoven green"?

OK, this is a good point. Let's change it to:
No walking breathing lifeform to be seen.

The leaves and winds produced no single sound.
better: not one sound

No, not better, much worse. Again metrum reasons.



The target which I searched so brave and keen
better: goal

This is strange. You seem to think that I did not take all my English classes. Again: Rhythmic verse melody.

Was carried forward when I marched around.
better: Was gaining distance while I was marching around

OK, "while" is better, but "when" can still be used.

My inner soul felt hollow like a howling hound.

To not arrive I've left the place I've been.
clumsy phrase.

This phrase was used as a breaking point and thus is deliberately "clumsy".



What was the measure of success and wealth?

What thriving reason gave to fight and hope?
Discombobulation: "Thriving" refers to "reason".

Never underestimate the person you are criticizing. Again: rhythm reasons. Turn around the wording in the middle - and the verse does make the sense you did not figure out.

All happiness so hidden seemed by stealth.
"stealth" i an adjective, to what does it refer?

The right spelling of the incriminated adjective, sorry, is "stealthy".

Was there a means to ever really cope?
cope with what? This is a transitive verb.

True. Still it is placed right and stays as it is.

The last that slipped away was strength and health

And left as string to life a thinning rope.

__________________
Walther
"Gelegenheit.Macht.Dichtung"

Bearbeiten/Löschen    


Zurück zu:  Fremdsprachiges und MundART (L) Ein neues Thema veröffentlichen.     Antwort veröffentlichen.


Leselupe-Bücher



Amazon



Facebook


Werde Fan der Leselupe auf Facebook!