Survivor guilt

I Schwarz

Mitglied
“Nurse, I told you to transfer patient five to room three, so what’s he still doing here?”[/i][/i]
“I’m sorry, doctor, but I thought, there were other priorities.”
“You’re not here to think, but to do as I tell you!”
He began to sound real angry, and everyone has the right to get upset at times, but couldn’t they settle their dispute somewhere else, and did they have to do it so loudly?
“And now transfer the patient immediately!”
Apparently they did!
“At once doctor.”
Finally.
For a while he still heard the nurses noises in the floor, but then it was quiet again. In fact, it was a little too quiet for his taste. There wasn’t a single sound to be heard, except for his own breath, and that was making him feel uneasy, and somewhat left alone.
What had happened? Why was he here, and where was here anyway?
He tried to remember anything, that could have given him an answer to one of those questions, but his mind seemed completely blank. He tried to open his eyes, to look around, and see where he was, and why it was so quiet, but he found, that he couldn’t move. So for a while he kept lying there, feeling very helpless indeed.
He couldn’t tell, how long it was until someone finally realised he had awakened, for he had long before lost all feeling for time, and soon he fell to sleep. But not long after, he woke up once again. He felt a lot stronger now, and was able to call for the nurse. He was told to rest a while longer, so his strength could return, and two days later, a psychiatrist came to him. He was told, that he had been in a coma for nearly six weeks, and was explained all that had happened in that time.

\"Hey chief, I wasn\'t aware, that you\'re working the dayshift lately.\"
\"I\'m not. I\'m just stepping in for a friend. So, what\'ve we got?\"
\"The victim is male, mid 40ies, ID’ied as a John Melanders. Shot in the head with his own gun, which is still lying near him.\"
\"Sounds like suicide to me.\"
\"Yeah, that\'s what we all think, but we can\'t be absolutely sure about it, \'till the test results get back, or we find some kind of suicide note.\"
\"So, what have we got on him?\"
\"He was released from hospital eight days ago, after spending six weeks in a coma.\"
\"We need to know exactly what happened in those six weeks, and we need to know what happened in the past eight days.\"
\"We contacted the hospital straight away, and they told me, that both his five year old son, and his seven year old daughter died in a car accident five weeks ago, because the mother was driving drunk. She committed suicide about three weeks ago. I guess she couldn\'t bear to have lost both husband and children, and being responsible for the kids death.\"
\"Captain, chief, we found his diary.\"
The captain took it, and began to read the last entry.
\"So, what does it say?\"
\"Well, it says:
Dear diary, this will be my last entry. They said, I was lucky, to have awakened at all, that it is rare for people to wake up after six weeks, but it doesn\'t feel that way. I don\'t feel lucky at all. I wish I had never opened an eye again, I should have died six weeks ago. I can\'t do it anymore. I miss \'em, I can\'t live without \'em. If I had been driving that car, it wouldn’t have happened. If I hadn’t been in a coma, she might not’ve been drunk. If I hadn’t been that selfish, all of this might never have happened. I can’t live like this, I can\'t live, knowing, that they died because of me. It should have been Peggy’s birthday, she was only a child. But I\'ll follow her, I won\'t leave \'em ever. I need \'em. I can\'t live without \'em. I\'m responsible, and I have to pay for it. How can I look at myself in the mirror again? How can I be happy, knowing, they\'re not gonna be happy ever again?
I don\'t want to cause any more sufferin\'.
goodbye, I just can\'t do it any more.\"
 



 
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