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The Awakening
Eingestellt am 05. 08. 2003 19:06

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Dorahn Mavelius
Registriert: Jul 2003

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The Awakening

I cannot believe it right now,
I really found a girl!
We know each other few weeks now,
A few days ago we finally met.

I was very excited and nervous.
We talked several hours,
When suddenly she was silent.
She looked straight into my eyes and whispered

"I love you!"
Boy, it hit me like a lightning strike!
I was unable to say or think anything.
My mind was empty, all thoughts were gone.

After a few seconds, I took her hand and said
"I love you, too!"
The kiss she gave me was the sweetest thing I ever got.

Somewhere an alarm rang loudly.
What the hell? - Oh, PLEASE, NOOOOO!!!
I woke up, it was 7.30 am.

I felt exhausted and very sad, I cried.
Will I ever find a girl who loves me?

January, 22nd, 2003
(c) by Dorahn Mavelius

Dorahn Mavelius
Storyteller and -writer

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La Noche
Registriert: Feb 2001

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Hello Dorahn Mavelius,
Nice idea. What I actually miss in this text is the language of poetry. The emotion. Things happen so mechanically. There is a plot, but the words to fill it are rather clichees. They don't live.
I think you could make more of it with a little work. Give it a little bit more personality, then it will be fine.

Have a nice evening,
La Noche


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