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Leselupe.de > Fremdsprachiges und MundART
Funerals and other awkward things
Eingestellt am 23. 04. 2015 18:21


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SoThatsMe
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'Okay, Ana, it's your turn now, come over here with your letter, my dear.', Oliver says as the crowd finally stay silent.
Yeah...It's my turn, I know. And it took me nights to write this letter for your funeral, but I finished it. But I mean, come on, why do people stuff like that? Putting a dead body under the ground and say things you obviously can't hear anymore? Maybe I just found my answer in the middle of my Sadness and all the pain I felt.

'We're waiting, Ana! Didn't you write your letter? I knew you would have forgot it or something. You always forget things!', he says.
'I wrote it, okay, Oliver? Just don't make a scene. Seriously, stop that.', I say.
'What scene? I'm just telling the truth! And you...', Oliver's says quite annoyed.
As I'm ignoring the rest of what he says, I walk in front of all the people and put out my letter:

"Okay... I'm not that good in those things, and maybe you shouldn't let me speak in front of you, but I was searching for anwsers, that nobody gave me, as I needed them.
We all know that Dying is a thing, that happens every minute. I think you don't really realize that, until a person you loved dies.
Maybe funerals aren't for the dead. How could someone say, that they aren't for the living? Maybe it's for the rest of us that need to move foward. And you just got one last chance to cry with those people who loved the same thing as you did. Sadly, the things we do don't matter at all. But still we should do them, and say things out loud instead of thinking them over again. It's like dying from inside when exact that thing is gone. But remembering the past is more like a beautiful dying, people do to themselfs. It hurts. It always does. But we need memories to live our lives. It doesn't matter if it was long, as long as it was deep.
I never thought I would use the words 'beautiful' and 'dying' in the same sentence, 'cause dying isn't beautiful at all. But doing it here feels okay to me.
I hope that there's a chance that we might meet again. Honestly, I don't know how I'd act. Unspoken words, I'm full with those questions on my mind. Maybe we would just stand in front of each other, quietly. And you'd not be able to say anything, because you'd be dead.
And so would I. I bet I never told anyone, but he always reminded me on rain. Beautiful to watch, good to listen to, but imagine of leaving forever isn‘t possible to think of. I love rain and so I always loved you.“

Silence in the whole room.
All eyes are staring right in my direction.
What did happen? All the people do those faces... It's like you died again.

I just can't stand here all alone, I need to break that silence. 'I told you guys, you shouldn't have let me speak.', I say.


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Version vom 23. 04. 2015 18:21
Version vom 17. 04. 2016 20:53

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CPMan
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Dear SoThatsMe,

as an English teacher I couldn't help but notice that a few of your sentences might be considered unidiomatic or plain ungrammatical. I hope you forgive me for suggesting alternatives:

quote:
the crowd finally stays silent


finally implies development, the verb stay implies stagnation, both don't work together, instead you might say: the crowd finally grew silent

quote:
why do people stuff like that?

Why do people DO stuff like that?


quote:
Maybe ??? just found my answer in THE middle of my crying and all the pain I felt.

quote:
Oliver's saying a little bit annoyed.

Why do you use present progressive here? Simple present seems more accurate: Oliver says, quite annoyed.

quote:
and put out my letter:

and got out my letter

quote:
I'm not that good in those things

to be good AT something

quote:
Maybe it's for the rest of us that need to go on tho

though

quote:
It's like dying from inside when exact that thing is gone

this exact thing or exactly this thing

quote:
people do to themselfs

themselves

quote:
to live our lifes

singular: life; plural; lives

quote:
And you'd not be able

And you wouldn't be

quote:
All eyes are starring right in my direction

staring (just one r)

quote:
It's like you died again

It's as if you died again

quote:
What did happen?

What happened?

As to the content of your story: I believe funeral speeches to be a very interesting topic and with some of your sentences you do make me ponder the meaning of life and death and the wordly ritual of burying someone in the ground once he's gone. But I feel you need to give it a once-over or maybe twice-over to make the story more appealing.

Greetings,

CPMan

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