Alexander Kongegaard
Mitglied
Once upon a time there was a one-eyed troll called Butterfingers. Butterfingers lived in a huge mountain right in the middle of three kingdoms – one in the north, two in the south. He had an awful lot of silver and gold stacked so that he could live a very good life there. The only thing he did not have was a wife. And because of that he felt very lonely.
”I have to change that!” he said to himself. ”And I know how: I will go out and steal myself a princess! That`s troll´s tradition!” he claimed.
Good luck, Butterfingers.
He was lucky because there was a princess in each of the three kingdoms. That meant that he had just to figure out which one he would like to steal. But that was difficult! Which one should he steal?
Well, Butterfingers knew for sure that he would not want to steal the one of the two southern princesses because she was very ugly. And he did not want to have an ugly wife!
Even more, because the other two princesses were just as beautiful as the one was ugly. And so he took two straws, a short and a long one and placed them in his left hand so that he could not see which one was the short and which was the long one.
”Short: southern princess, long: northern princess!” he said aloud and took one of the straws. He pulled the short one and therefore he went out for to get the other one of the southern princesses.
On his way down the south side of the mountain were three big, big trees with just as huge roots, of course. Butterfingers was so glad about finally getting a wife that he completely overlooked the tree`s roots – and so he fell, first over the roots of one than over the roots of another and, of course, also over the roots of the third tree. He banged his head against the trunk each time so that in the end, he even had lost his one eye.
Now, normally this would not be a problem because trolls like to take out their eyes once in a while. But this time, Butterfingers banged his head heavily three times – which made him a bit more stupid in the upper class!
It was just a shame he did not understand that, which meant that he went to the wrong southern kingdom right away, not caring about the castle`s doors and gates, but just going through the walls for to get the ugly princess – which he did not understand, of course.
At the same time, right under the three big, big trees a gnarly witch was very happy to have found the troll`s eye.
But while the gnarly witch was so happy, Butterfingers still had not a good time. Without his eye he could not see his wife – and that was exactly what he wanted to do. Because his wife was sooo beautiful!
”Oh, I would like to know what the troll`s tradition says about this situation!” he told the ugly princess.
”I don`t know!” she said. ”I just know what my father would do!”
”And what`s that?” Butterfingers asked.
”He would tell everybody that the one who to find and bring me back would get half of the kingdom and me as a wife! That is king`s tradition!” she responded.
”Has that anything to do with my eye?” Butterfingers asked again.
”Oh, stupid troll, you!” she said. ”You could offer half of your silver and gold plus half of the troll mountain for the one who brings you back your eye!”
Butterfingers thought hard about whether he would really love to see his wife that much – and he decided that he did. After all, he was the king of the mountain, somehow – if everything comes together, wasn`t he? Therefore he followed the king`s tradition and called in all the animals for to go out and tell all people about his offer.
After a few days, Butterfingers just sat there enjoying a good meal, a blond megahero entered the troll mountain and said that he would like to find the troll`s eye…
”…but I don`t want to have half of the troll mountain or half of your silver and gold!” he said.
”What else?” Butterfingers asked.
”I want you to get the northern princess for me!”
That was alright with the troll and so the blond megahero went out for to find Butterfingers´ eye.
On his way down from the troll mountain to the dark forest he met two men, a tall one and a short one who fought with each other.
”What are you fighting over?” the blond megahero asked.
”Over that!” the short man responded while pointing to a treestump.
”Over the treestump?” the blond and - may I say this? – astonished megahero asked.
”No, of course not!” the short man said. ”Over that what is lying on it!”
The blond megahero did not see anything lying on it and so he asked carefully:
”What is it?”
”You don`t know it?”
”No.”
”That`s an invisible hiding-wig!”
”A what?” the blond megahero asked.
”An invisible hiding-wig!” said the short man. ”That`s an invisible wig that makes the one who is wearing it invisible, too!”
”Ah, alright, an invisible hiding wig!” the blond megahero said.
”And our problem is that we would both like to have it!” the short man explained. ”Perhaps you have an idea that could help us make a decision?”
”Yes, I have such an idea!” the blond megahero claimed. ”You, tall man, become a big bird and you, short man, become a little fly. And then you start hunting down each other. After, let`s say, fifteen minutes, the bird either got the fly – and the invisible hiding-wig – or nothing. And then you know who won the fight!”
That is what he said and so the two men instantly became a bird and a fly and started hunting down each other. During the hunt, the blond megahero went to the treestump, felt with his hands for the invisible hiding wig, found it and left.
After a short while he again met two men, a tall one and a short one, who fought with each other.
”What are you fighting over?” the blond megahero asked.
”Over that!” the short man responded while pointing to a treestump.
”Over the treestump?” the blond and - again – astonished megahero asked.
”No, of course not!” the short man said. ”Over that what is lying on it!”
The blond megahero did not see anything lying on it and so he asked carefully:
”What is it?”
”You don`t know it?”
”No.”
”That`s an almost invisible magic needle!”
”A what?” the blond megahero asked.
”An almost invisible magic needle!” said the short man. ”That`s a piece of metal you can use for to stick little holes into the skin of your opponent!”
”Ah, alright, an almost invisible magic needle!” the blond megahero said.
”And our problem is that we would both like to have it!” the short man explained. ”Perhaps you have an idea that could help us make a decision?”
”Yes, I have such an idea!” the blond megahero claimed. ”You, tall man, become a big bird and you, short man, become a little fly. And then you start hunting down each other. After let`s say, fifteen minutes, the bird either got the fly – and the almost invisible magic needle – or nothing. And then you know who won the fight!”
That is what he said and so the two men instantly became a bird and a fly and started hunting down each other. During the hunt, the blond megahero went to the treestump, felt with his hands for the the almost invisible magic needle, found it and left.
After a short while he again met two men, a tall one and a short one, who fought with each other.
”What are you fighting over?” the blond megahero asked.
”Over that!” the short man responded while pointing to a treestump.
”Over the treestump?” the blond and – again `again´– astonished megahero asked.
”No, of course not!” the short man said. ”Over that what is lying on it!”
This time the blond megahero saw something: A normal-looking apple lied there on the treestump. And so he asked:
”What is special about this apple, so that you fight over it?”
”You don`t know it?”
”No.”
”That`s a snowhite-apple!”
”A what?” the blond megahero asked.
”A snowhite-apple!” said the short man. ”That`s an apple with two sides – a normal and a poisonous side!”
”Ah, alright, a snowhite-apple!” the blond megahero said.
”And our problem is that we would both like to have it!” the short man explained. ”Perhaps you have an idea that could help us make a decision?”
”Yes, I have such an idea!” the blond megahero claimed. ”You, tall man, become a big bird and you, short man, become a little fly. And then you start hunting down each other. After let`s say, fifteen minutes, the bird either got the fly – and the snowhite-apple – or nothing. And then you know who won the fight!”
That is what he said and so the two men instantly became a bird and a fly and started hunting down each other. During the hunt, the blond megahero went to the treestump, took the snowhite-apple and left.
After that he went around in the dark forest for the troll`s eye for about seven days when he realized that he never even got to know where to look after it. And because he was such a blond and mega hero he sat down under a tree for to think a little.
Suddenly an egg fell down from the tree, cracked open on his skull and out came a very beautiful but, of course, very jung bird who sang its cursing but rather educational song:
Peeep, Peeep, Peeep!
Do your homework, lousy bitches!
Look for the eye at the gnarly witch`s!
Peeep!
The blond megahero said:
”Thank you very much, beautiful but young bird - I have always done my homework, you know! But: Where can I find the gnarly witch?”
The beautiful but young bird pointed in a certain direction and sang:
Peeep, Peeep, Peeep!
Do your homework, lousy bitches!
That direction to the gnarly witch`s!
Peeep!
The blond megahero said:
”Thank you very much, beautiful but young bird – I really have done my homework all the time, you know! But: Where can I find the troll`s eye once I come there?”
And the beautiful but young bird sang:
Peeep, Peeep, Peeep!
Do your homework, lousy bitches!
An oven`s there at the gnarly witch`s!
Peeep!
The blond megahero said `Thank you very much, beautiful but young bird!” a third time, took the beautiful but young bird and put it back in tree, right next to the nest. And then he started walking in the direction he had been given murmuring something about homework!
He had to go over seven mountains and swim through seven seas in that direction – which actually took him seven months when he came to a big and dark house in which no light burned. The door was open and so the blond megahero went in.
Inside the big and dark house there was just one room that was almost empty. Only a black raven sat there in one corner and screamed seven times when the blond megahero came in. After that he flew out of a window without saying anything else, while the blond megahero looked after an oven. But, like said before, the one room was almost empty; just empty that is, now that the black raven was gone which meant that there was no oven.
And that on the other hand meant that the blond megahero started doubting that this big and dark house was really where the gnarly witch lived. But suddenly he heard an old women`s voice that fought with somebody coming closer and closer in an enormous tempo. He hid outside the house instantly.
”…should have made sure that he stays before you get me! Stupid broom, you!” shouted the gnarly witch at the broom she used for flying now. ”Who knows if he is still there!”
The broom, of course, was silent and so the gnarly witch continued shouting:
”You know what, you Good-for-nothing, you? Ha, you know what? If I won`t get him to fry in the oven tonight, I will get you!”
When the gnarly witch landed the blond megahero became curious put on the invisible hiding-wig and went closer for to see what was about to happen next.
”Of course – he`s no longer here!” the gnarly witch said. So she changed the broom into a black raven again, used a little magic and – boom – there was the oven. She ordered the black raven to put in some wood and light the fire. At this point in time, the blond megahero finally understood that this actually was the gnarly witches house – so he decided to use the almost invisible magic needle for to stick little holes in the skin of the gnarly witch so that she became weaker and weaker. She did not fight back – she could not see her opponent, you know! In the end she was so weak that she used a little more magic to materialize a rather beautiful bed in which she fell more than she placed herself in it.
The blond megahero though, went outside again, took off the invisible hiding-wig, hid the almost invisible magic needle and went in again with the snowhite-apple in his left hand.
”Oh my, granny, you look so weak! Let me have you a bit of this wonderful apple here. It should do you some good, I think!”
Then he divided the snowhite-apple into two pieces and gave her the poisonous half.
”Ha!”she said ”Do you wanna poison me, sonny?! You eat the other half first!”
That was alright with the blond megahero and so he ate the other half without anything happening. When the gnarly witch saw that nothing happened she started to believe, too, that the apple could do her some good. She ate – and died, of course.
After the gnarly witch was history the blond megahero went to the oven to see if he could find the troll`s eye. He found it almost instantly so that he could turn around and leave when a voice behind him said:
”I don`t know where you go now – but please take me with you!”
The blond megahero turned around and saw the most ugly prince ever who had been layed a curse on by the gnarly witch to be a black raven or a broom. It was no problem for the blond megahero to take the most ugly prince ever with him and so he did that. But in front of the troll mountain he said:
”Wait here, I don`t want you to go in with me!”
Inside the mountain there was just the ugly princess who cooked a pot of porridge for Butterfingers.
”Where is he?” the blond megahero asked.
”Out in the woods, I think!” the ugly princess said and shaked her head in a non-understanding manner. ”He always wants to have meat with his porridge – ts – so he must hunt it himself, I guess!”
”I will wait for him!” decided the blond megahero.
”If you want to – alright!” the ugly princess said.
After a little while Butterfingers came back.
”Sniff, sniff, sniff…I smell a human!” he said.
”Yes, that is right!” said the blond megahero. ”It is I! And I have your eye!”
Butterfingers was very excited about that and he wanted to have the eye immeadetly.
”No, no!” said the blond megahero. ”You have to get the northern princess first!”
Therefore Butterfingers went out to the northern kingdom, again not caring about the castle`s doors and gates, but going just through the walls for to get the beautiful princess.
Back in the troll mountain the princess had to promise to tell her father that the blond megahero had freed her and that she wanted to marry him. She did that as she liked the blond megahero and so the two left – well, not before the blond megahero placed the troll`s eye somewhere, of course. He placed it somewhere Butterfingers could not easily get it because:
Once he found it, he put it back into his skull and – it went up and down his spines in a not to comfortable manner when he saw his wife. She was not beautiful – she was ugly! And that was against all troll`s tradition – to have an ugly wife, oh my! He became very angry and forced her out of the mountain.
”That`s embarassing!” he shouted to himself while she met the ugliest prince ever outside; they liked each other instantly and decided to go back to the princess´ kingdom and marry there.
So, in the end, it was just Butterfingers, who sat in his mountain – alone.
”Maybe next time!” he thought ”Maybe next time I find the way to the right southern kingdom!”
Good luck, Butterfingers…
”I have to change that!” he said to himself. ”And I know how: I will go out and steal myself a princess! That`s troll´s tradition!” he claimed.
Good luck, Butterfingers.
He was lucky because there was a princess in each of the three kingdoms. That meant that he had just to figure out which one he would like to steal. But that was difficult! Which one should he steal?
Well, Butterfingers knew for sure that he would not want to steal the one of the two southern princesses because she was very ugly. And he did not want to have an ugly wife!
Even more, because the other two princesses were just as beautiful as the one was ugly. And so he took two straws, a short and a long one and placed them in his left hand so that he could not see which one was the short and which was the long one.
”Short: southern princess, long: northern princess!” he said aloud and took one of the straws. He pulled the short one and therefore he went out for to get the other one of the southern princesses.
On his way down the south side of the mountain were three big, big trees with just as huge roots, of course. Butterfingers was so glad about finally getting a wife that he completely overlooked the tree`s roots – and so he fell, first over the roots of one than over the roots of another and, of course, also over the roots of the third tree. He banged his head against the trunk each time so that in the end, he even had lost his one eye.
Now, normally this would not be a problem because trolls like to take out their eyes once in a while. But this time, Butterfingers banged his head heavily three times – which made him a bit more stupid in the upper class!
It was just a shame he did not understand that, which meant that he went to the wrong southern kingdom right away, not caring about the castle`s doors and gates, but just going through the walls for to get the ugly princess – which he did not understand, of course.
At the same time, right under the three big, big trees a gnarly witch was very happy to have found the troll`s eye.
But while the gnarly witch was so happy, Butterfingers still had not a good time. Without his eye he could not see his wife – and that was exactly what he wanted to do. Because his wife was sooo beautiful!
”Oh, I would like to know what the troll`s tradition says about this situation!” he told the ugly princess.
”I don`t know!” she said. ”I just know what my father would do!”
”And what`s that?” Butterfingers asked.
”He would tell everybody that the one who to find and bring me back would get half of the kingdom and me as a wife! That is king`s tradition!” she responded.
”Has that anything to do with my eye?” Butterfingers asked again.
”Oh, stupid troll, you!” she said. ”You could offer half of your silver and gold plus half of the troll mountain for the one who brings you back your eye!”
Butterfingers thought hard about whether he would really love to see his wife that much – and he decided that he did. After all, he was the king of the mountain, somehow – if everything comes together, wasn`t he? Therefore he followed the king`s tradition and called in all the animals for to go out and tell all people about his offer.
After a few days, Butterfingers just sat there enjoying a good meal, a blond megahero entered the troll mountain and said that he would like to find the troll`s eye…
”…but I don`t want to have half of the troll mountain or half of your silver and gold!” he said.
”What else?” Butterfingers asked.
”I want you to get the northern princess for me!”
That was alright with the troll and so the blond megahero went out for to find Butterfingers´ eye.
On his way down from the troll mountain to the dark forest he met two men, a tall one and a short one who fought with each other.
”What are you fighting over?” the blond megahero asked.
”Over that!” the short man responded while pointing to a treestump.
”Over the treestump?” the blond and - may I say this? – astonished megahero asked.
”No, of course not!” the short man said. ”Over that what is lying on it!”
The blond megahero did not see anything lying on it and so he asked carefully:
”What is it?”
”You don`t know it?”
”No.”
”That`s an invisible hiding-wig!”
”A what?” the blond megahero asked.
”An invisible hiding-wig!” said the short man. ”That`s an invisible wig that makes the one who is wearing it invisible, too!”
”Ah, alright, an invisible hiding wig!” the blond megahero said.
”And our problem is that we would both like to have it!” the short man explained. ”Perhaps you have an idea that could help us make a decision?”
”Yes, I have such an idea!” the blond megahero claimed. ”You, tall man, become a big bird and you, short man, become a little fly. And then you start hunting down each other. After, let`s say, fifteen minutes, the bird either got the fly – and the invisible hiding-wig – or nothing. And then you know who won the fight!”
That is what he said and so the two men instantly became a bird and a fly and started hunting down each other. During the hunt, the blond megahero went to the treestump, felt with his hands for the invisible hiding wig, found it and left.
After a short while he again met two men, a tall one and a short one, who fought with each other.
”What are you fighting over?” the blond megahero asked.
”Over that!” the short man responded while pointing to a treestump.
”Over the treestump?” the blond and - again – astonished megahero asked.
”No, of course not!” the short man said. ”Over that what is lying on it!”
The blond megahero did not see anything lying on it and so he asked carefully:
”What is it?”
”You don`t know it?”
”No.”
”That`s an almost invisible magic needle!”
”A what?” the blond megahero asked.
”An almost invisible magic needle!” said the short man. ”That`s a piece of metal you can use for to stick little holes into the skin of your opponent!”
”Ah, alright, an almost invisible magic needle!” the blond megahero said.
”And our problem is that we would both like to have it!” the short man explained. ”Perhaps you have an idea that could help us make a decision?”
”Yes, I have such an idea!” the blond megahero claimed. ”You, tall man, become a big bird and you, short man, become a little fly. And then you start hunting down each other. After let`s say, fifteen minutes, the bird either got the fly – and the almost invisible magic needle – or nothing. And then you know who won the fight!”
That is what he said and so the two men instantly became a bird and a fly and started hunting down each other. During the hunt, the blond megahero went to the treestump, felt with his hands for the the almost invisible magic needle, found it and left.
After a short while he again met two men, a tall one and a short one, who fought with each other.
”What are you fighting over?” the blond megahero asked.
”Over that!” the short man responded while pointing to a treestump.
”Over the treestump?” the blond and – again `again´– astonished megahero asked.
”No, of course not!” the short man said. ”Over that what is lying on it!”
This time the blond megahero saw something: A normal-looking apple lied there on the treestump. And so he asked:
”What is special about this apple, so that you fight over it?”
”You don`t know it?”
”No.”
”That`s a snowhite-apple!”
”A what?” the blond megahero asked.
”A snowhite-apple!” said the short man. ”That`s an apple with two sides – a normal and a poisonous side!”
”Ah, alright, a snowhite-apple!” the blond megahero said.
”And our problem is that we would both like to have it!” the short man explained. ”Perhaps you have an idea that could help us make a decision?”
”Yes, I have such an idea!” the blond megahero claimed. ”You, tall man, become a big bird and you, short man, become a little fly. And then you start hunting down each other. After let`s say, fifteen minutes, the bird either got the fly – and the snowhite-apple – or nothing. And then you know who won the fight!”
That is what he said and so the two men instantly became a bird and a fly and started hunting down each other. During the hunt, the blond megahero went to the treestump, took the snowhite-apple and left.
After that he went around in the dark forest for the troll`s eye for about seven days when he realized that he never even got to know where to look after it. And because he was such a blond and mega hero he sat down under a tree for to think a little.
Suddenly an egg fell down from the tree, cracked open on his skull and out came a very beautiful but, of course, very jung bird who sang its cursing but rather educational song:
Peeep, Peeep, Peeep!
Do your homework, lousy bitches!
Look for the eye at the gnarly witch`s!
Peeep!
The blond megahero said:
”Thank you very much, beautiful but young bird - I have always done my homework, you know! But: Where can I find the gnarly witch?”
The beautiful but young bird pointed in a certain direction and sang:
Peeep, Peeep, Peeep!
Do your homework, lousy bitches!
That direction to the gnarly witch`s!
Peeep!
The blond megahero said:
”Thank you very much, beautiful but young bird – I really have done my homework all the time, you know! But: Where can I find the troll`s eye once I come there?”
And the beautiful but young bird sang:
Peeep, Peeep, Peeep!
Do your homework, lousy bitches!
An oven`s there at the gnarly witch`s!
Peeep!
The blond megahero said `Thank you very much, beautiful but young bird!” a third time, took the beautiful but young bird and put it back in tree, right next to the nest. And then he started walking in the direction he had been given murmuring something about homework!
He had to go over seven mountains and swim through seven seas in that direction – which actually took him seven months when he came to a big and dark house in which no light burned. The door was open and so the blond megahero went in.
Inside the big and dark house there was just one room that was almost empty. Only a black raven sat there in one corner and screamed seven times when the blond megahero came in. After that he flew out of a window without saying anything else, while the blond megahero looked after an oven. But, like said before, the one room was almost empty; just empty that is, now that the black raven was gone which meant that there was no oven.
And that on the other hand meant that the blond megahero started doubting that this big and dark house was really where the gnarly witch lived. But suddenly he heard an old women`s voice that fought with somebody coming closer and closer in an enormous tempo. He hid outside the house instantly.
”…should have made sure that he stays before you get me! Stupid broom, you!” shouted the gnarly witch at the broom she used for flying now. ”Who knows if he is still there!”
The broom, of course, was silent and so the gnarly witch continued shouting:
”You know what, you Good-for-nothing, you? Ha, you know what? If I won`t get him to fry in the oven tonight, I will get you!”
When the gnarly witch landed the blond megahero became curious put on the invisible hiding-wig and went closer for to see what was about to happen next.
”Of course – he`s no longer here!” the gnarly witch said. So she changed the broom into a black raven again, used a little magic and – boom – there was the oven. She ordered the black raven to put in some wood and light the fire. At this point in time, the blond megahero finally understood that this actually was the gnarly witches house – so he decided to use the almost invisible magic needle for to stick little holes in the skin of the gnarly witch so that she became weaker and weaker. She did not fight back – she could not see her opponent, you know! In the end she was so weak that she used a little more magic to materialize a rather beautiful bed in which she fell more than she placed herself in it.
The blond megahero though, went outside again, took off the invisible hiding-wig, hid the almost invisible magic needle and went in again with the snowhite-apple in his left hand.
”Oh my, granny, you look so weak! Let me have you a bit of this wonderful apple here. It should do you some good, I think!”
Then he divided the snowhite-apple into two pieces and gave her the poisonous half.
”Ha!”she said ”Do you wanna poison me, sonny?! You eat the other half first!”
That was alright with the blond megahero and so he ate the other half without anything happening. When the gnarly witch saw that nothing happened she started to believe, too, that the apple could do her some good. She ate – and died, of course.
After the gnarly witch was history the blond megahero went to the oven to see if he could find the troll`s eye. He found it almost instantly so that he could turn around and leave when a voice behind him said:
”I don`t know where you go now – but please take me with you!”
The blond megahero turned around and saw the most ugly prince ever who had been layed a curse on by the gnarly witch to be a black raven or a broom. It was no problem for the blond megahero to take the most ugly prince ever with him and so he did that. But in front of the troll mountain he said:
”Wait here, I don`t want you to go in with me!”
Inside the mountain there was just the ugly princess who cooked a pot of porridge for Butterfingers.
”Where is he?” the blond megahero asked.
”Out in the woods, I think!” the ugly princess said and shaked her head in a non-understanding manner. ”He always wants to have meat with his porridge – ts – so he must hunt it himself, I guess!”
”I will wait for him!” decided the blond megahero.
”If you want to – alright!” the ugly princess said.
After a little while Butterfingers came back.
”Sniff, sniff, sniff…I smell a human!” he said.
”Yes, that is right!” said the blond megahero. ”It is I! And I have your eye!”
Butterfingers was very excited about that and he wanted to have the eye immeadetly.
”No, no!” said the blond megahero. ”You have to get the northern princess first!”
Therefore Butterfingers went out to the northern kingdom, again not caring about the castle`s doors and gates, but going just through the walls for to get the beautiful princess.
Back in the troll mountain the princess had to promise to tell her father that the blond megahero had freed her and that she wanted to marry him. She did that as she liked the blond megahero and so the two left – well, not before the blond megahero placed the troll`s eye somewhere, of course. He placed it somewhere Butterfingers could not easily get it because:
Once he found it, he put it back into his skull and – it went up and down his spines in a not to comfortable manner when he saw his wife. She was not beautiful – she was ugly! And that was against all troll`s tradition – to have an ugly wife, oh my! He became very angry and forced her out of the mountain.
”That`s embarassing!” he shouted to himself while she met the ugliest prince ever outside; they liked each other instantly and decided to go back to the princess´ kingdom and marry there.
So, in the end, it was just Butterfingers, who sat in his mountain – alone.
”Maybe next time!” he thought ”Maybe next time I find the way to the right southern kingdom!”
Good luck, Butterfingers…