The Movement of Leaves

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sohalt

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There was something strange about the leaves
Something deliberate in their movements
As if they were up to something.

- . -

Leaves. What are they rushing for? Rushing
towards some goal we have no way of knowing.
Rushing - chasing - gathering -
Preparing
For an Uproar in the society of leaves. Forming
A movement of leaves from last fall. Claiming
The street - the entire street for the leaves! -
Deserted by everyone else
As streets are on Sunday mornings
When all but the leaves are asleep.

We who sleep, rest and recover
From attempted escapes, flights of fancy
That never takes us too far.

For we always know, where we'll end up.
In some bed, on some Sunday, hung-over.
(Yes, some Saturdays may last for ages.
But Mondays are certain to come.)

Yet while we sleep, while we rest and recover
Each leaf is ready to go
With him who brings different air,
Joining the movement of leaves,
making way for a change.

The leaves sense it coming.
Do we?
 

ENachtigall

Mitglied
Hallo sohalt,

ein fein gesponnener Gedankengang, eine greifbare Metapher: die Bewegung der Blätter in ihren unterschiedlichen Facetten zu ergründen. Mir gefällt die originelle Art der Betrachtung, der leise spirituelle Anklang am Schluss auch.

Ich fand eine Stelle, die mir etwas stockend klingt und bei der die Zeit unstimmig ist.

We who sleep, rest and recover
From attempted escapes, [red]flights[/red] of fancy
That never [red]takes[/red] us too far.
Es müsste heißen "take", weil "flights" Plural ist.

Vielleicht so:

We fall asleep to rest and recover
From attempted escapes and flights of fancy
They never really take us anywhere.

Lieben Gruß von Elke

(schwanke noch bezüglich der Bewertung zwischen zwei Varianten, kommt aber noch)
 

sohalt

Mitglied
There was something strange about the leaves
Something deliberate in their movements
As if they were up to something.

- . -

Leaves. What are they rushing for? Chasing
Some goal we have no way of knowing.
Rushing - chasing - gathering -
Preparing
For an Uproar in the society of leaves. Forming
A movement of leaves from last fall. Claiming
The street - the entire street for the leaves! -
Deserted by everyone else
As streets are on Sunday mornings
When all but the leaves are asleep.

We who sleep, rest and recover
From attempted escapes, flights of fancy
That never take us too far.

For we always know, where we'll end up.
In some bed, on some Sunday, hung-over.
(Yes, some Saturdays may last for ages.
But Mondays are certain to come.)

Yet while we sleep, while we rest and recover
Each leaf is ready to go
With him who brings different air,
Joining the movement of leaves,
making way for a change.

The leaves sense it coming.
Do we?
 

sohalt

Mitglied
Danke!

Den Grammatikfehler habe ich gleich ausgebessert, über die Zeit muss ich noch nachdenken.

Es ist ja so, dass "wir" zum Zeitpunkt der Beobachtung, _noch_ schlafen, nicht erst einschlafen. (obwohl das beim Fortgehrhytmus mancher Leute auch hinkommen würde).

Die flights of fancy sind ja eigentlich die attempted escapes, deshalb kein "und".

Ich würde auch gern bei "never take us too far" bleiben.
Weil das far das F von flights of fancy wieder aufnimmt (bisschen spät zwar, aber doch). Uns es geht ja nicht nur um die Ziellosigkeit, sondern auch um das Riskiolose in diesem Zusammenhang, das klingt in "never too far" eher an als in "anywhere".

Wobei natürlich in deiner Version die Anzahl der Silben - erste Zeile ungerade, zweite Zeile ungerade, dritte Zeile gerade - besser zum Inhalt passt (ungerade beschreibt den Versuch des Ausbruchs, gerade für die Rückkehr in den sicheren Hafen) - besser zum Inhalt passt.

lg
Kathi
 

sohalt

Mitglied
There was something strange about the leaves
Something deliberate in their movements
As if they were up to something.

- . -

Leaves. What are they rushing for? Chasing
Some goal we have no way of knowing.
Rushing - chasing - gathering -
Preparing
For an Uproar in the society of leaves. Forming
A movement of leaves from last fall. Claiming
The street - the entire street for the leaves! -
Deserted by everyone else
As streets are on Sunday mornings
When all but the leaves are asleep.

We who sleep, rest and recover
From attempted escapes, flights of fancy
That never take us too far.

For we always know, where we'll end up.
In some bed, on some Sunday, hung-over.
(Yes, some Saturdays may last for ages.
But Mondays are certain to come.)

Yet while we sleep, while we rest and recover
Each leaf is ready to go
With him who brings different air,
Joining the movement of leaves,
making way for some change.

The leaves sense it coming.
Do we?
 

ENachtigall

Mitglied
Danke, Kathi, für Deine Erläuterungen. Ich sehe, Du hast Dein Gedicht gut durchdacht! Ich werde es noch ein paar mal lesen.

Gute Nacht soweit.

Elke
 

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