fallen angel
Mitglied
Now we’re standing here, unable to move.
You never believed that someone could say that to you, honestly.
You hear these words every day, every second; they somehow lost their meaning. The only thing I can tell you is that I mean what I said.
“So… you do?” you ask and look aside, maybe I stared you out. “Well, yeah”, I say, “I guess I do.” “You guess”, you ask again, “or are you sure you do?”.
Something, of which I never thought it could be possible, happens. I’m hesitating. I’m hesitating, not knowing if I should say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
“See, I don’t want to hurt you, in no way.” “Everyone does”, you answer, “every time, every minute, every second of my damn life!”.
You look furious, and I’m not sure if I’m the one to blame. “What would you say if I asked you to vanish?” “To vanish”, you repeat and frown a little, “didn’t I disappear long ago?” “No”, I say voiceless, “you didn’t… that’s the problem….” “I’ve always been the problem.” you say silently and turn away.
“Could you look me in the eyes and tell me to smile, to turn around and start living again?” I ask, waiting for you to reply.
I guess it takes you only seconds to turn around, but it feels like slow motion, it seems like a lifetime.
“I can tell you to smile, I can tell you to turn around, and you’d do it. But I can’t tell you to start living, that’s up to you.”.
“And why is it up to me”, I ask, and I can feel my throat begin to close and my eyes well up with tears, “do you know how hard it is?”.
You look at me with an indefinable expression on your face and then you smile a bit.
“Yeah”, you whisper, “I know better than you could ever imagine….” “What would you say if I told you I’m lost?” I ask, still analyzing your facial expression, waiting for them to change.
Your eyes keep staring at me, somehow cold, but still familiar.
“Nothing”, is the only answer you can give, “there is nothing to say. Someone who can’t swim can’t teach another, right?”.
Now it’s me who smiles a bit. “Probably….” I say and turn away.
“How did we come here”, you ask, “You’ve been the first one to ask me things like that… why?” “I don’t know”, I say and turn back to you, “maybe I needed to ask them.” “There are many people who need to ask things”, you say, “and I guess we’ve come that far, because….”.
You hesitate. I keep on wondering why you had to hesitate right at this point, the ‘because’ is the important thing.
“Because what?” I ask to keep you from avoiding the answer. You look at me, maybe not exactly at me, maybe right through, and I’m wondering what you see.
“It sometimes is a feasable explanation”, you say, “but never an excuse….”.
“So, you need an excuse?” “Yeah”, you say, “somehow it’s me who makes you feel like that, right?”.
I nod. “And you want me to go”, you continue, “Is that correct?”. Again I nod.
“Then, what made you come here, what made you confront me with all that?”.
You got me. I don’t know, I really don’t know. “I’m insane to put myself voluntarily into that position”, I say, “would you believe me if I told you that I’ve never wanted it to go that far?”.
“That far”, you ask, “you call that far?” “Yeah”, I say silently, “this is as far as I can go….” “Sad”, you say and lean back, every muscle of your face tensed, “I’m sorry.”.
“You’re not”, I say and laugh with contempt, “nobody is.” “Maybe….” you say, and there is a long silence between us.
“Nick”, I say, and you look at me as if you already knew what I’m going to say, “I guess I’d better leave.” “And leave it with that”, you ask, “so… unfinished?”.
“I never tried to finish it”, I say, “it will never be finished.” “I’m sorry for not having a feasable answer for you, so sorry….” “You don’t need to be”, I say, “I already knew before we first met.” “And what made you so sure about it?” you ask, trying not to lower your eyes.
“It’s always the same, I ask, and there’s no answer.” I say and open the door. “So, what will you do?” you ask, maybe trying to hold me back. “Keep up wondering”, I say, “my whole life….”.
Our eyes meet for the last time before I step through the door, closing it silently behind me, almost as if I hadn’t been really there.
And again I’m drowning in the crowd, wondering if this was the answer I’ve always been looking for….
You never believed that someone could say that to you, honestly.
You hear these words every day, every second; they somehow lost their meaning. The only thing I can tell you is that I mean what I said.
“So… you do?” you ask and look aside, maybe I stared you out. “Well, yeah”, I say, “I guess I do.” “You guess”, you ask again, “or are you sure you do?”.
Something, of which I never thought it could be possible, happens. I’m hesitating. I’m hesitating, not knowing if I should say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
“See, I don’t want to hurt you, in no way.” “Everyone does”, you answer, “every time, every minute, every second of my damn life!”.
You look furious, and I’m not sure if I’m the one to blame. “What would you say if I asked you to vanish?” “To vanish”, you repeat and frown a little, “didn’t I disappear long ago?” “No”, I say voiceless, “you didn’t… that’s the problem….” “I’ve always been the problem.” you say silently and turn away.
“Could you look me in the eyes and tell me to smile, to turn around and start living again?” I ask, waiting for you to reply.
I guess it takes you only seconds to turn around, but it feels like slow motion, it seems like a lifetime.
“I can tell you to smile, I can tell you to turn around, and you’d do it. But I can’t tell you to start living, that’s up to you.”.
“And why is it up to me”, I ask, and I can feel my throat begin to close and my eyes well up with tears, “do you know how hard it is?”.
You look at me with an indefinable expression on your face and then you smile a bit.
“Yeah”, you whisper, “I know better than you could ever imagine….” “What would you say if I told you I’m lost?” I ask, still analyzing your facial expression, waiting for them to change.
Your eyes keep staring at me, somehow cold, but still familiar.
“Nothing”, is the only answer you can give, “there is nothing to say. Someone who can’t swim can’t teach another, right?”.
Now it’s me who smiles a bit. “Probably….” I say and turn away.
“How did we come here”, you ask, “You’ve been the first one to ask me things like that… why?” “I don’t know”, I say and turn back to you, “maybe I needed to ask them.” “There are many people who need to ask things”, you say, “and I guess we’ve come that far, because….”.
You hesitate. I keep on wondering why you had to hesitate right at this point, the ‘because’ is the important thing.
“Because what?” I ask to keep you from avoiding the answer. You look at me, maybe not exactly at me, maybe right through, and I’m wondering what you see.
“It sometimes is a feasable explanation”, you say, “but never an excuse….”.
“So, you need an excuse?” “Yeah”, you say, “somehow it’s me who makes you feel like that, right?”.
I nod. “And you want me to go”, you continue, “Is that correct?”. Again I nod.
“Then, what made you come here, what made you confront me with all that?”.
You got me. I don’t know, I really don’t know. “I’m insane to put myself voluntarily into that position”, I say, “would you believe me if I told you that I’ve never wanted it to go that far?”.
“That far”, you ask, “you call that far?” “Yeah”, I say silently, “this is as far as I can go….” “Sad”, you say and lean back, every muscle of your face tensed, “I’m sorry.”.
“You’re not”, I say and laugh with contempt, “nobody is.” “Maybe….” you say, and there is a long silence between us.
“Nick”, I say, and you look at me as if you already knew what I’m going to say, “I guess I’d better leave.” “And leave it with that”, you ask, “so… unfinished?”.
“I never tried to finish it”, I say, “it will never be finished.” “I’m sorry for not having a feasable answer for you, so sorry….” “You don’t need to be”, I say, “I already knew before we first met.” “And what made you so sure about it?” you ask, trying not to lower your eyes.
“It’s always the same, I ask, and there’s no answer.” I say and open the door. “So, what will you do?” you ask, maybe trying to hold me back. “Keep up wondering”, I say, “my whole life….”.
Our eyes meet for the last time before I step through the door, closing it silently behind me, almost as if I hadn’t been really there.
And again I’m drowning in the crowd, wondering if this was the answer I’ve always been looking for….